It seems just like yesterday

Winter 1997, Ut oH, I'm pregnant. What the **** am I going to do? I am unmarried and I know that the father doesn't want children, at least not now in his life. He just started grad school.

I decided that abortion is not an option. It would be selfish to take this route. I was already in love with my little bean growing inside of me, it took about 1 day for that to happen. I decided to get family backup before breaking the news. My mom and grandma were completely supportive and I could see the excitement in their eyes. They were like little diamonds jumping around in there. I decided it was time to kick the old smoking habit so out the window went those smelling things. I told the dad, his eyes fell out of his head and his jaw hit the floor. We had been dating for quite some time, but we had had our ups and downs and we didn't even share the "I love you notions" that most couples share. After about two weeks he had come to terms with the situation and decided it was OK for me to have the baby. Did he really think it was his choice anyway? I had already began planning this person's life. I was doing it with or without him. I had my family and I knew in my heart that was all I needed.

The pregnancy was slow going. I was huge though. As slowly as the days passed, the pounds were adding up at twice the pace. I gained a whooping 13 pounds from weeks 10-14 of the pregnancy. I thought the doctor was going to die. I got all of the questions, what are you eating, how much do you eat, buy fat free food. Not one pencil thin female doctor even considered that I had quit smoking and most people gain weight from that alone.

Finally, by week 25 my weight had leveled out and the nice man doctor told me that it is natural for some women during their first pregnancy to gain a lot of weight in the first half of pregnancy due to hormones, etc. He also mentioned my quitting smoking and asked what I was substituting for my cigarettes. I told him plain and simple "I substitute cheese for those cigarettes." I was huge, hot, swollen and completely in awe of the miracle growing inside of me.

I also found out at week 21 that I was having a girl. Hello pink, purple and peach. Anything pretty and frilly.

By the end of my pregnancy I had gained a whooping 60 pounds and I was convinced that the amount of water I was retaining could easily take care of the summertime drought. My daughter's due date came and went, but she never showed herself except for the tiny lumps in my belly that happened to be her right shoulder and left knee.

Finally, on October 2, the day before the day I was scheduled for induction, labor begins. I had never felt such pain in my life. When they say it hurts, they aren't lying. I spent the first 14 hours of labor at home, pretty much alone. Steve, my daughter's father, wasn't much help. In fact, he went to bed around 11 p.m. and was sound asleep while I battled contractions all night. Around 6 a.m. I woke him up, told him it was time to go and called my mom.

I arrived at the hospital 20 minutes later and requested drugs immediately. They checked me out, I was already at 5 cm, but the doctor wasn't there so I had to wait for my epidural. They did give me some pain medicine through my IV. This stuff made me feel as if I had done a few shots of Jager at the bar. But, I didn't care about those contractions anymore and I thought that was great.

At 2:30 p.m. I met my daughter. She needed a little assistance from the vacuum suction, but I was ready to get her out of there. She didn't make a sound, but I wasn't worried, for some reason I just new that was the way she was going to be, not too loud. She didn't cry for the first hour of her life. She just looked around in awe of her surroundings. She met almost all of her immediate family and then was shuttled off to the nursery to be weighed. As she left the room, so did the trail of visitors. I guess my part was done. It wasn't about me anymore, it was about her.

She was beautiful, I was sitting and thinking about her face, her fingernails, her toes, her chubby cheeks. She had perfect fingers. They were long and straight with perfectly shaped finger nails. Her eyes were dark blue and her hair was light brown. I did a pretty good job, if I do say so myself. About 5 minutes after the crowd left, my mom returned, apologizing for leaving me alone and also to fill me in on the weight of my daughter 10 lb 2 oz and 22 3/4 inches long. She was huge. Then my mom was out the door again. She also told me that my Amber knows how to cry. As soon as she got that heel stick she let the world know that she didn't care for that sort of attention at all.

Watching her grow over the years has been one of the greatest blessings in my life. To know that she is learning from me is frightening sometimes, what if I don't set the best example? What if she thinks I don't like something about her? Does she really know how much I love her? These questions are the questions I ask myself all of the time. She is eight years old and I still question myself as a parent. I see how she is with other children, strangers, and adults. She is well-mannered, smart and friendly. She isn't shy. She is outgoing and very spirited. I don't know where she gets it from, did I set the example or was she born with that already inside of her?

Motherhood is the best 'hood' to be in for sure.