ACK! I think I saw.....

A FUTTING MOUSE!

I get up early every morning, around 5:00ish, this week more like 5:30 after hitting the snooze button 4 times. It is dark in my room, I get up, walk to my desk, turn on the computer and read my email until my eyes can see clearly. Then I begin working, usually about 15 minutes after sitting at the desk. I am barefoot and in my pajamas. Since it has been cooler this last week I am covered in a blanket. I put on my headset, dial into the hospital dictation network and get typing. I take a break around 6:00 and get my coffee that has just finished brewing.

At 7 a.m. I have to fix breakfast for my school kids. I have now made it through my first cup of coffee. Tony comes in to help get the kids out the door and I head back to work. Wesley is typically still sleeping at this time of the morning.

Today was no different except for the rain which meant Tony was going to drive the kids to the bus. I made breakfast for the kids and prepared their lunches for school. I came straight back to the bedroom with my coffee, put the headset back on and began typing some more. I don't usually put my contacts in until I am finished working so I can see what I am doing, but not much of anything that is far away. Since it was still dark outside this morning the bedroom was still sort of dark, but I thought I saw something out of the corner of my eye run along the baseboard under the window. This window is 2 feet away from me. I took a second look and then figured it was just a shadow. About five minutes later Tony came to get his shoes on to leave for the bus. He had just walked out of the room when I saw the same shadow again going the other direction.

WHOA! That's it, feet are up in the chair.

I quietly yelled "Honey?!?!!!!"

"What?"

"Can you please come here?!!!!"

"Why?"

"Just come here, I saw something."

"What?"

"Something rrrrraaaannnn down there." (pointing at the baseboard)

"A mouse?"

"I don't know if it is a mouse, but it ran like one??"

He tells me he has to take the kids, he'll be right back. I nod my head and say "OK?!???" Then, I hear my daughter say, "Um, Daddy. She looks a bit scared."

Then I realized I was crying in fear. Fear of a little, itty bitty mouse.

We had a mouse one time before, our cat took care of that for me. We don't have the cat anymore because she went to heaven earlier this year. I am really missing her today. Not just because of the mouse, but definitely MORE today because of the mouse. My dogs could care less about the mouse. You would think my dachsunds would be going nuts with this little creature roaming around the house. I mean, hello, they have the absolute best sense of smell I have ever seen. But...what are they doing? Sleeping.

Finally, I decided that I would just pretend like I didn't really see a mouse and maybe it was my peripheral vision playing silly tricks on me. I haven't gone into any dark rooms today and I will definitely be turning on the light in the bathroom and closet, but maybe, just maybe it really wasn't here.

Unfortunately, this pretending isn't working out so well. I was sitting here checking email and I heard something, something plastic ruffling around, I thought, Ruby must be messing around with something, but I didn't see her. Then I thought, we maybe she is under the bed. So me, all 32-years-old, fully dressed, and still barefoot is standing up on the bed calling the dog. She wasn't under the bed so I know what that means. I called Tony, at work, asked when he was coming home. He said in an hour. That seems so long to wait while there is an actual rodent in my room. He sweetly tells me to watch where I am stepping and giggles. HAHA. Real flippin' funny.

He better watch out or I won't be killing spiders for him anymore, the little chicken butt.

Tagged Again--Books

Well, I was tagged about a week ago. This will most likely be the more boring tag my friend Tess made since I don't have that many books and cannot remember the last time I read something other than a children's book.

1.) How many books I own: I own about 50 including 3 bibles. My kids have more books than me with a whooping 300ish. Growing up I was not a good reader, I was and I still am more into music. I made sure to expose my daughter to both and she loves to read and loves to sing along to the radio in the car. I plan on doing the same thing with Wesley, he seems to love the books and music just as much as she did when she was a toddler.

2.) The last book I bought: The Red Tent. I have read about 3 pages and I am very interested in actually finishing it, but by the time I get ready to read I fall asleep.

3.) The last book I read: Clifford's Bedtime and before that it was Goodnight Moon.

4.) Five books that mean a lot to me:


1.) Guess How Much I Love You
2.) Goodnight Moon
3.) Moo Baa LaLaLa
4.) The Runaway Bunny
5.) Pat The Bunny

5.) Five people I’ve tagged: I have a feeling by now everyone I know that blogs as been tagged, so I will spare them from being taggedagain.

I've lost it

I say I lost it so many times in a week. It always means something different. Sometimes, I just feel like I might lose it, other times it is definitely lost. I guess the 'it' part is what changes the most.

Somedays the 'it' is my patience. I think I lose this the most. Somedays it isn't even there when I wake up in the morning. Typically this is around that special time of the month. I warned my dear husband yesterday...it's almost time for it to get here again. With each month it seems to be worse, my attitude sucks, I start feeling sorry for myself, I feel ignored or disliked by everyone in the house besides the smallest ones (Wesley, Ruby and Lucky).

Today's 'it' is my willpower for junk food.

I am one of those people that looks in the mirror and analyzes themself down to a little crease or wrinkle in their forehead. I am not really sure why I put myself through this kind of torture, but I do and I have no way of stopping myself. I am happy, though, that I do not do this in front of my daughter. I really hope that she never feels like I do when I look in the mirror.

I have had this battle with myself regarding my body image for well over ten years. It started before I had my first baby. I had always been a skinny little thing, but I hit 21 and realized that getting drunk and eating Taco Bell at 3 a.m. was an exciting thing to do. It wasn't too wonderful for my waistline, butt, or thighs. I had never exercised and it seemed silly to even attempt it since I was a smoker and felt as if I were dying just riding a recumbant bicycle for more than 10 minutes at 10 MPH.

When I discovered my first pregnancy I quit smoking. That caused me to eat pretty much everything in sight. The food tastes and smells so much better after you stop smoking. I remember one day after work making myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in no more than 4 bites. It was the very BEST sandwich I had eaten in my entire life. I gained 60 pounds with that pregnancy.

After a year of carrying around about 40 pounds of extra weight I started Weight Watchers. This program was great since I could still eat a lot of the foods I was already eating and I just gave them all a point value. Plus, they counted walking in the store or mall as exercise. I lost about 20 pounds, but could have lost more with real exercise. I felt really good about myself, but stopped the meetings and gained all the weight back over a short amount of time.

Then I decided to go to the gym. I had the trainer set me on a work out schedule and he talked to me about calories, fat, protein and carbs. I actually found it all pretty interesting and followed the Ballys plan for quite a while. I realized that the cardio aspect of exercise wasn't so bad after a few weeks. I lost that same 20 pounds, but actually looked and felt better than I had in a long time. I even trained and completed 2 full marathons and 2 half marathons within a 1-1/2-year time frame.

After my second half marathon, I wasn't able to walk like I had been before since I had taken on two extra kids and moved to a not-so-walker-friendly neighborhood. I put some of the weight back on again (exercise is definitely a major key), then I got pregnant. During this pregnancy I was very careful about eating and only put on the recommended 30 pounds. Most of that was baby with Wesley weighing in at just under 11 pounds. By the time I had him home from the hospital I was only 5 pounds heavier than before my pregnancy began. I tried to see what would come off by itself and didn't really change too much myself in the food or exercise department. Well, nothing came off. I actually gained a couple more pounds and by Christmas I was actually right back to where I had started when Amber was born.

When Wesley was about 9 months old I decided that enough was enough. I was going to be thin again. I was going to wear a smaller size. Oprah said she was going to tell us what she did on her show. I waited patiently for the show to come on and I watched it without interruption. I bought the book that her trainer wrote.

I started on February 15th. I weighed myself, measured myself and didn't eat any refined sugar all day. I got a headache, but took some Motrin and it went away. I stopped eating 2 hours before bedtime just like she recommended and I walked 30 minutes in the cold, all for me. I wasn't doing it for anyone, but me. I realized that I don't do a lot of stuff for just me and it felt good to put me first some place in my day. After the first 12 weeks I had dropped 25 pounds and several inches and sizes. I started out in a 14 and was in a very loose 10. That is some serious progress.

It has been 8 months now and I continue to stop eating 2 hours before bedtime. If I go passed my normal designated cut off time I will actually stay up later to compensate for it. I haven't been able to exercise like I want to and I can tell I am starting to flab up a little bit. We have had a ton of parties, weddings and special events in the last month and that has really killed my "no refined sugar" rule.

I haven't put on any weight yet, but I have bought a ton of clothes in my new size 8 and I don't want them to be tight. I have to get back on track. My plan is to start fresh on Monday, October 17. The weather is supposed to be mild and in the 70s with sunshine. That is perfect to get back out there walking.

I feel like I am letting myself down and I really hate that feeling. I look at myself in the mirror and I truly just want to be healthy, but I do want to look good while I am looking healthy. I have stretch marks from all the way up here and all the way down to there and I am proud of those, my babies gave them to me. I don't want a tummy tuck or a boob job. I just want to feel better about myself.

So, if the 3 of you who read my blog would please get on my arse a little and say, "Hey, you been walking today?" And, if you need me to do that for you, just let me know.

It seems just like yesterday

Winter 1997, Ut oH, I'm pregnant. What the **** am I going to do? I am unmarried and I know that the father doesn't want children, at least not now in his life. He just started grad school.

I decided that abortion is not an option. It would be selfish to take this route. I was already in love with my little bean growing inside of me, it took about 1 day for that to happen. I decided to get family backup before breaking the news. My mom and grandma were completely supportive and I could see the excitement in their eyes. They were like little diamonds jumping around in there. I decided it was time to kick the old smoking habit so out the window went those smelling things. I told the dad, his eyes fell out of his head and his jaw hit the floor. We had been dating for quite some time, but we had had our ups and downs and we didn't even share the "I love you notions" that most couples share. After about two weeks he had come to terms with the situation and decided it was OK for me to have the baby. Did he really think it was his choice anyway? I had already began planning this person's life. I was doing it with or without him. I had my family and I knew in my heart that was all I needed.

The pregnancy was slow going. I was huge though. As slowly as the days passed, the pounds were adding up at twice the pace. I gained a whooping 13 pounds from weeks 10-14 of the pregnancy. I thought the doctor was going to die. I got all of the questions, what are you eating, how much do you eat, buy fat free food. Not one pencil thin female doctor even considered that I had quit smoking and most people gain weight from that alone.

Finally, by week 25 my weight had leveled out and the nice man doctor told me that it is natural for some women during their first pregnancy to gain a lot of weight in the first half of pregnancy due to hormones, etc. He also mentioned my quitting smoking and asked what I was substituting for my cigarettes. I told him plain and simple "I substitute cheese for those cigarettes." I was huge, hot, swollen and completely in awe of the miracle growing inside of me.

I also found out at week 21 that I was having a girl. Hello pink, purple and peach. Anything pretty and frilly.

By the end of my pregnancy I had gained a whooping 60 pounds and I was convinced that the amount of water I was retaining could easily take care of the summertime drought. My daughter's due date came and went, but she never showed herself except for the tiny lumps in my belly that happened to be her right shoulder and left knee.

Finally, on October 2, the day before the day I was scheduled for induction, labor begins. I had never felt such pain in my life. When they say it hurts, they aren't lying. I spent the first 14 hours of labor at home, pretty much alone. Steve, my daughter's father, wasn't much help. In fact, he went to bed around 11 p.m. and was sound asleep while I battled contractions all night. Around 6 a.m. I woke him up, told him it was time to go and called my mom.

I arrived at the hospital 20 minutes later and requested drugs immediately. They checked me out, I was already at 5 cm, but the doctor wasn't there so I had to wait for my epidural. They did give me some pain medicine through my IV. This stuff made me feel as if I had done a few shots of Jager at the bar. But, I didn't care about those contractions anymore and I thought that was great.

At 2:30 p.m. I met my daughter. She needed a little assistance from the vacuum suction, but I was ready to get her out of there. She didn't make a sound, but I wasn't worried, for some reason I just new that was the way she was going to be, not too loud. She didn't cry for the first hour of her life. She just looked around in awe of her surroundings. She met almost all of her immediate family and then was shuttled off to the nursery to be weighed. As she left the room, so did the trail of visitors. I guess my part was done. It wasn't about me anymore, it was about her.

She was beautiful, I was sitting and thinking about her face, her fingernails, her toes, her chubby cheeks. She had perfect fingers. They were long and straight with perfectly shaped finger nails. Her eyes were dark blue and her hair was light brown. I did a pretty good job, if I do say so myself. About 5 minutes after the crowd left, my mom returned, apologizing for leaving me alone and also to fill me in on the weight of my daughter 10 lb 2 oz and 22 3/4 inches long. She was huge. Then my mom was out the door again. She also told me that my Amber knows how to cry. As soon as she got that heel stick she let the world know that she didn't care for that sort of attention at all.

Watching her grow over the years has been one of the greatest blessings in my life. To know that she is learning from me is frightening sometimes, what if I don't set the best example? What if she thinks I don't like something about her? Does she really know how much I love her? These questions are the questions I ask myself all of the time. She is eight years old and I still question myself as a parent. I see how she is with other children, strangers, and adults. She is well-mannered, smart and friendly. She isn't shy. She is outgoing and very spirited. I don't know where she gets it from, did I set the example or was she born with that already inside of her?

Motherhood is the best 'hood' to be in for sure.