I've lost it

I say I lost it so many times in a week. It always means something different. Sometimes, I just feel like I might lose it, other times it is definitely lost. I guess the 'it' part is what changes the most.

Somedays the 'it' is my patience. I think I lose this the most. Somedays it isn't even there when I wake up in the morning. Typically this is around that special time of the month. I warned my dear husband yesterday...it's almost time for it to get here again. With each month it seems to be worse, my attitude sucks, I start feeling sorry for myself, I feel ignored or disliked by everyone in the house besides the smallest ones (Wesley, Ruby and Lucky).

Today's 'it' is my willpower for junk food.

I am one of those people that looks in the mirror and analyzes themself down to a little crease or wrinkle in their forehead. I am not really sure why I put myself through this kind of torture, but I do and I have no way of stopping myself. I am happy, though, that I do not do this in front of my daughter. I really hope that she never feels like I do when I look in the mirror.

I have had this battle with myself regarding my body image for well over ten years. It started before I had my first baby. I had always been a skinny little thing, but I hit 21 and realized that getting drunk and eating Taco Bell at 3 a.m. was an exciting thing to do. It wasn't too wonderful for my waistline, butt, or thighs. I had never exercised and it seemed silly to even attempt it since I was a smoker and felt as if I were dying just riding a recumbant bicycle for more than 10 minutes at 10 MPH.

When I discovered my first pregnancy I quit smoking. That caused me to eat pretty much everything in sight. The food tastes and smells so much better after you stop smoking. I remember one day after work making myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in no more than 4 bites. It was the very BEST sandwich I had eaten in my entire life. I gained 60 pounds with that pregnancy.

After a year of carrying around about 40 pounds of extra weight I started Weight Watchers. This program was great since I could still eat a lot of the foods I was already eating and I just gave them all a point value. Plus, they counted walking in the store or mall as exercise. I lost about 20 pounds, but could have lost more with real exercise. I felt really good about myself, but stopped the meetings and gained all the weight back over a short amount of time.

Then I decided to go to the gym. I had the trainer set me on a work out schedule and he talked to me about calories, fat, protein and carbs. I actually found it all pretty interesting and followed the Ballys plan for quite a while. I realized that the cardio aspect of exercise wasn't so bad after a few weeks. I lost that same 20 pounds, but actually looked and felt better than I had in a long time. I even trained and completed 2 full marathons and 2 half marathons within a 1-1/2-year time frame.

After my second half marathon, I wasn't able to walk like I had been before since I had taken on two extra kids and moved to a not-so-walker-friendly neighborhood. I put some of the weight back on again (exercise is definitely a major key), then I got pregnant. During this pregnancy I was very careful about eating and only put on the recommended 30 pounds. Most of that was baby with Wesley weighing in at just under 11 pounds. By the time I had him home from the hospital I was only 5 pounds heavier than before my pregnancy began. I tried to see what would come off by itself and didn't really change too much myself in the food or exercise department. Well, nothing came off. I actually gained a couple more pounds and by Christmas I was actually right back to where I had started when Amber was born.

When Wesley was about 9 months old I decided that enough was enough. I was going to be thin again. I was going to wear a smaller size. Oprah said she was going to tell us what she did on her show. I waited patiently for the show to come on and I watched it without interruption. I bought the book that her trainer wrote.

I started on February 15th. I weighed myself, measured myself and didn't eat any refined sugar all day. I got a headache, but took some Motrin and it went away. I stopped eating 2 hours before bedtime just like she recommended and I walked 30 minutes in the cold, all for me. I wasn't doing it for anyone, but me. I realized that I don't do a lot of stuff for just me and it felt good to put me first some place in my day. After the first 12 weeks I had dropped 25 pounds and several inches and sizes. I started out in a 14 and was in a very loose 10. That is some serious progress.

It has been 8 months now and I continue to stop eating 2 hours before bedtime. If I go passed my normal designated cut off time I will actually stay up later to compensate for it. I haven't been able to exercise like I want to and I can tell I am starting to flab up a little bit. We have had a ton of parties, weddings and special events in the last month and that has really killed my "no refined sugar" rule.

I haven't put on any weight yet, but I have bought a ton of clothes in my new size 8 and I don't want them to be tight. I have to get back on track. My plan is to start fresh on Monday, October 17. The weather is supposed to be mild and in the 70s with sunshine. That is perfect to get back out there walking.

I feel like I am letting myself down and I really hate that feeling. I look at myself in the mirror and I truly just want to be healthy, but I do want to look good while I am looking healthy. I have stretch marks from all the way up here and all the way down to there and I am proud of those, my babies gave them to me. I don't want a tummy tuck or a boob job. I just want to feel better about myself.

So, if the 3 of you who read my blog would please get on my arse a little and say, "Hey, you been walking today?" And, if you need me to do that for you, just let me know.