All grown up!

When I was ten years old my mom was going to have a baby. I had really been an only child my entire life so this is going to be a different situation entirely. My other two sisters didn't live with us and so we only saw them on some weekends.

I watched my mom's tummy grow larger and larger as the days passed. She would come home from work with a watermelon and eat the entire heart out of the thing leaving the other parts for the rest of us. It was summertime and this baby was due to be born in September.

Now, my birthday is in September and even though I was thrilled to have a sibling I did not, I repeat, did not want to share my birthday. That was MY day. That baby better be born either before or after, but not on My day. A week before My day we thought the baby was coming, but nope it was a false alarm. We were sent home from the hospital. My birthday came and went, still no baby. I was wondering if the baby would ever come.

Then, one Thursday morning, September 27th to be exact, at 1:30 a.m. I was told it is time to get up. We have to go to the hospital, the baby is coming, NOW! I got dressed in a pair of jeans and a gray crew neck sweater.

My Grandma (I'm still the favorite) was there to meet us and she and I sat in the waiting room of the hospital. There is another woman there too. Her daughter is having her first baby. My father had come out, only once, to say everything is going OK. He looked tense though. He must have been nervous. The other lady's son-in-law comes out and tells us that his wife is fine, but there is this lady back there and she is screaming her lungs out. My grandma and I just kind of looked at each other with big eyes. The other lady said to him, "These two are expecting a baby to be born too, this little girl's mommy is back there in delivery right now." The man then quickly says that it probably isn't my mommy screaming. Well, it was.

A very short time later (around 4:45 a.m.) we were paged by the hospital to come to the labor and delivery hallway. We got up, told the other lady good luck and rushed to labor and delivery. The first thing I see was my mom, without her glasses, squinting and holding a baby. My SISTER was born so quickly that there was no time for the epidural (screaming) and barely any time for the doctor to get into good catching position. She literally came flying out. She had a head full of dark black hair. Her little face was red and slightly cone-shaped and she wore a pink hat. She was beautiful. I can honestly say that I felt an enormous amount of love as soon as I saw her.

Today she turns 21, she's grown, almost a college graduate, owns a home, still beautiful inside and out, smart, and one of my most precious blessings.

I've been tagged

Three Random Facts About My Closet:

1) I cannot see the carpet on the bottom of it because it is cluttered.
2) The door sqeaks.
3) There are no extra clothes hangers.

Three Items I've Never Worn But Still Haven't Tossed:

1) A pair of brown heels. I bought them on clearance to go with a dress. When I got home and tried them on again I realized they were way too high and way too narrow for me to walk in.
2) A pair of brown pants. They are very nice, but I bought them 3 years ago, gained weight, and out grew them. They fit again so maybe I will get to wear this this winter.
3) A pink shirt from Old Navy. It was birthday present from my sister last year, but I was having some weight issues and felt it was too tight. This, too, fits better now. I will most likely get to wear this during the fall/winter this year.

Three Items I'll Never Get Rid Of, No Matter How Ugly They Get:

The only ugly thing in my closet is a chest of drawers. I have had it since I was a child and it has moved to every home I have lived in. It is good quality, just worn down and maybe one day I will refinish it and make it perty again.

Three Items People Wouldn't Expect To Find In My Closet:

1) Decorations from my wedding reception. I want to keep them, but I don't really have any use for them.
2) My baby/early childhood blankey. I keep it in a bag that my grandfather handmade and he used to keep his cash in it.
3) My Santa Claus stash for the kids this Christmas. I have started shopping and all of their gifts are hiding behind my wedding dress. Since I can't even get into the closet without making a lot of noise I'm not too worried about them sneaking in and taking a peek.

Three items that made me go, "Oh Lord, what was I thinking?":

1) I don't really have anything that fits in this category. I am very self conscious about they way clothes look on me and I don't want to see "too hip." I dress on the conservative side so I don't have anything to flashy.
2) I guess those brown heels would fit in here. I know I said that when I got home and tried them on. exact examples right now.
3) I've got nothing....

"Three things that I have a surprising number of:"
1) Sweaters
2) Pictures in photo albums of Amber ages newborn-four years (at least 8 BIG albums, maybe more).
3) Gift bags from the large number of gifts we received this month for all of our birthdays.

Three dominant colors in my wardrobe:
1) Black
2) Purple
3) Green

Three items that never fail to put me in a good mood whenever I wear them:
1) My pink scarf in my hair to pull my hair back off of my face.
2) My cowgirl hat. It reminds me of my trip to Nashville and the first marathon that I walked.
3) I don't wear these, but Amber and Wesley's ultrasound tapes and ultrasound pictures. I am too worried about the heat in the attic to store them upstairs.

Three people I will tag:
1) Gretchen

2) Kara

3) Amber

Monkey See. Monkey Do.

Lately I have noticed Wesley doing a lot of new things. Not the major milestones that everyone brags about like walking and talking, but the little things. The ones that show you how he is really learning from what he see us do around the house or in day to day life.

He loves the cell phone or the home phone. He loves to press the buttons. He knows if you give him a broken one and he will throw it down. He prefers all of my toys over the ones we have purchased for him. I admit to letting him play with the cell phone when I need just a few minutes of quiet from him. It works well at keeping him quiet, but he calls people! He has called my dad on several occasions. He has called him at work and at home. One day I noticed he called my dad, sister, sister-in-law, and our house in just a few moments alone with the phone.

He has also played with the home phone, turned it on and then put it down on the floor and left it running until someone finds it and hangs it up. I am praying he hasn't called China or some place that isn't covered by our regular long distance service.

This week I noticed him finally putting things into containers. Until now he has only dumped things out. He didn't want anything in them at all, even if I put it there. Now he is putting all kinds of things into all kinds of objects. I found the little sponge thing I put on his door to stop it from closing in his dresser drawer. I found the remote, phone, an old toilet paper roll and several toys in the back section of his diaper bag. He has started emptying the clothing from one dresser drawer and placing the same clothes into another drawer.

I don't know why I find these things so interesting, but I found myself just sitting and watching him keep himself busy. He was putting away clothes, making pretend phone calls, stopping to watch CMT for his favorite videos, taking a drink from his cup, he would yell out every now and then his famous "eh?" and then play with a toy.

All of a sudden, I got worried. He is acting like a mommy. I better give him the remote and put Sportscenter on so he can act like a daddy instead!

Listen carefully.....Put down the mouse

Last May we had a mouse in our house. This mouse appeared the same exact week I was at the hospital giving birth to Wesley. It so happened that he needed to spend some time in the NICU and so I wasn't home too much until he was 10 days old. During that time my mom and mother-in-law helped with the older kids. I was spending the entire day at the hospital with him and then coming home for some sobbing, dinner and sleep.

The third day I was home without him my mother-in-law had seen a mouse run through the kitchen, right in front of the cat. She said the cat didn't even move. My daughters thought it would be fun to keep the mouse and they set out cheese on their bedroom floor. The mouse found it and preferred sharp cheese apparently because he only nibbled and left the rest on the floor.

When Wesley finally came home the mouse hadn't been seen for a couple days. I figured it left because we have our food stored pretty well (dachshunds can get into most any container and cabinet and will eat until they explode).

Wesley had been home from the hospital for about a week and this one particular day I noticed the cat acting strangely in the kitchen. She sat there almost all day just staring at the dishwasher. That afternoon I was nursing Wesley back in the bedroom. The kids were due to come home in about an hour. All of a sudden I hear the dogs barking. I figure someone is at the door and will go away. They continue to bark for what seems like an eternity. I decide I better go check and see what the barking is all about. I placed Wesley in the middle of the bed and walked down the hall to the living room. When I got to the living room I found all three dogs barking like crazy at the cat. I told them to be quiet and then she turned around, looked up at me and there it was, the mouse tail was hanging out of her mouth. She had caught it. I ushered the dogs outside (remember dachshunds will eat anything) and got her to drop the mouse in the floor. She put it down and tried to bat at it a bit with her paw. It didn't move and she looked very disappointed. I guess she just wanted to play with it and accidentally sufficated it instead.

I decided that I would separate her from the mouse because I didn't know where she would take it and hide it. That is something I wouldn't want to find in the laundry hamper or the litter box. Tony called home and I told him that the mouse was dead, but I couldn't get rid of it. He laughed at me (Mr. I don't touch spiders) and said to have one of the kids get it up. EWWWW!

The bus arrived on time, thank goodness, and I asked the neighbor's kid to come in our house and remove the mouse. He was thrilled to take care of it for me since he loves snakes, mice, and anything else you can find in the neighborhood ditch, swamp or lake.

Move over Hard Place, Rock is poking me in the back

The last few days have been pure hell with the competition in my house. Amber seems to get the worst of it since she has it coming from an older sibling and a younger sibling. Kelsey has always wanted what Amber has, attention from both parents, parents in the same town, long blond hair, more friends, etc. Kelsey struggles with friendships, and honestly I think it is because she probably doesn't come across friendly all the time. She can be quite bossy and has been since I met her at age five. Justin has a huge jealousy towards Amber because she is a girl and girls like to play together more than they like to play with their little brothers. It is all about Kelsey for him. He loves his biological sister very much, his stepsister, not so much. He picks at her, pokes at her, and pushes every button the poor girl has until she screams at him to shut-up.

It is hard as a mother to handle this because my first instinct is to protect my young, my Amber. Then I look at the other kids and I am at most times the only parent they have around them. Their mom is not in their lives like she should be and I am it. It is me. Their daddy has been working so much that everything is pretty much on my shoulders. The meals, the baths, the homework, the soccer practices and games, bedtime, wake time, school open house, conferences, etc.

My most recent dilemma is the comparison between what I do for Amber and what I do for Kelsey. Last school year I was the room parent for Amber's class. At the end of the school year Kelsey asked me to be the room parent for her class this year. The way the teachers do it is pretty simple, you fill out a form with your availabilities and then they let you know if you are "The One." I decided that I would fill out the form for Kelsey's class and volunteer, but it was pretty much killing me to not participate in Amber's class so I filled out forms for both of them. Well, Kelsey's teacher this year picked someone, before the forms went out. Now, I don't know if this mother asked maybe on the orientation day or if the teacher asked her....But, Kelsey was pissed. She was even more upset when Amber's teacher chose me to co-parent her class with another mom. She let me know it wasn't fair. I do everything for Amber and nothing for her.

NOTHING???

Boy, that hit a nerve in me that hasn't been hit in a long time. I do nothing for her? She also let me know that "I know you gave birth to her, and all, but it still isn't right." What isn't right. What gives a child the right to tell a parent that they are doing too much for someone. I get really angered by this. It is basically like I have to limit the things I want to do for my own daughter just to please another child. That is what my problem was about parenting her class, but not Amber's class. Amber has one mommy, ME. Kelsey has two mothers. She gets an abundance of alone/quality time from me every time Amber leaves me to spend time with her father. Amber is NEVER home without Kelsey and Justin being here. She never gets time with just me or me and Wesley. I feel that Amber and I are missing out on our relationship because I have to limit the things I do with her.

At bedtime Kelsey watches every move I make with Amber while I tuck her into the bed. Then, she will ask me why I didn't do something for her. It is very frustrating. Sometimes I just want to say "Because I didn't feel like it." I never do because that would be hurtful, but I do think it sometimes.

This weekend when the kids are away, I will get to buy the stuff for Amber's birthday party goody bags. I know that Kelsey will analyze each and every treat in the thing when she receives one and then ask about hers coming up in February. I feel like it is sad that I have to grab on to such a thing to make special for her. Her birthday is the only time of year that I get to do something special just for her without getting questions about my actions.

The blog with no name

I started this blog with no name yesterday and didn't finish because I was tired and it was late. Today I woke up feeling different about what I blogged about and so this is my new blog with no name.

Yesterday, I was feeling very run down, almost to the end of my rope. I was really hanging on by a thread. The kids were running all over me, ignoring my instructions, dropping their stuff all over the house and then stepping over it to leave the rooms instead of picking up after themselves. Tony is working too many hours for us to have a good family life right now and I truly hate his employer for this. He is working different shifts and 10-12 hours each day, 6 days a week. The kids see him for about 1 hour a day and that just isn't enough time for kids to spend with their daddy.

Today, while I was walking down the road at my favorite speed, just fast enough to feel my quad stretch and burn a little, the wind was blowing in my face and I thought about my day yesterday. I got a chance to reflect on all of my feelings while I listened to the radio and watched Wesley kick his feet. Occasionally, he would turn around, smile, mumble his special 'words' and then turn back around and kick his feet some more. In my reflecting I realized that I have a super life. We are healthy, have enough money to live on and get a chance to go out now and then, we both have jobs and I actually love mine, we have children that will maybe one day appreciate all that we do for them, two very sweet dogs and we have a great safe place to live. I have a great neighborhood to walk in with wide streets, trees to look at, landscaped yards, etc.

I started to wonder what life was like for my grandmother when she was my age. She had four children, two boys and a two girls just like me, only her boys were older than her girls. She took care of her family while my grandfather worked several jobs to make ends meet. They didn't have nearly as many things as we have that make life easier to live. How did she do it? Not only did she do it, but she did it in such a way that all of her children grew up loving their parents and they love each other deeply, the connection is profound. This love was most evident when my grandfather passed away 4 years ago. He had been sick on and off for most of the year and finally he went home, to heaven and now he is our angel watching over us. I have never in my life felt such pain.

During the time of his funeral and the first few days afterwards I saw how my uncles and aunt and mom were united. There was no bickering over how things should be handled. No one was angry with anyone about anything. It was so easy for them, they wanted what was best for Grandma and that was it. I have heard so many times how people argue after someone dies, over the material things. We didn't do that, not one of us. That is amazing. The love that we all had for each other was enough to get us through the hard times. Of course, Grandma went through some depression, like anyone would after losing their spouse of 53 years.

A few weeks after his passing my Grandma asked me if there was anything I wanted of his to keep. Well, he had this bag that he made and he kept cash money in it under the bed. I told her that I wanted his empty bag. She laughed and said "I'm glad you said empty!" All I wanted was the bag. I can visualize him opening that bag and handling it.

The day he left us here was the saddest, most emotional day of my life. Some emotions and feelings sort of fade over time, but I can think back to the exact moment I walked to the hospital room, looked at my uncle and then I was on autopilot or something my heart broke because I hadn't made it in time. We (my mom, dad, sister and I) were the only ones not there. Why didn't he wait for us? I ask this question to myself and then wonder if maybe we needed an angel that day sooner than he could wait to leave us. Maybe while we were driving in the rain that day we needed him to watch over us instead of waiting on us.


That same night we watched this video from way back, probably a good decade earlier, if not longer. We laughed so hard at this video that we had tears streaming down our faces. Then someone else came in the house and so we hit rewind and watched it again, laughing just as hard the next time.

When my mom, uncles and aunt all get together there is tons of laughter, I think that is my favorite part. I have one uncle that doesn't live in the area so when he goes to visit it is so exciting. We make plans about food, games, what we will do while he is here. Once he arrives it doesn't seem like he has been gone. Everyone is on the same page, regardless of the fact that they all lead entirely different lives. They all have very different professions, they are all more than 4 years apart in age, but it works. There is no animosity towards anyone. They don't try to show each other up. There isn't any competition.

How did they do it? How did they raise four children in such a way that they love each other this way. I have asked and my grandma just tells me that my mom is doing it too. Then, I thing of my sisters and I know that if she's right, my mom has done it. There really isn't anything I wouldn't do for my sisters. There is a special closeness between us. We lead different lives, have different professions and even want different things out of life, but we work, we fit, we love each other completely.

Being the oldest I have the most memories, so far. I have memories of going to the beach when I was six and Amy was two. She had this dark tan and her hair was dark brown. She had this gap between her front teeth and she sucked her thumb. I remember the day that Cortney was born. She had this dark black hair and teeny tiny nose and mouth. I remember when they turned 16, when Cortney had her "first kiss" and when they graduated. I remember sitting at Cortney's graduation and feeling so completely proud to be her sister. In a few weeks, I will be standing in Amy's wedding, again, being so completely proud to be her sister.

I hope one day, my children will look at each other and be completely proud to be in the same family. I hope they will love each other completely. I hope they will stop competing for the top dog position because they are all special in their own way. They are all different and there is no comparison. Kelsey is creative. Amber is brilliant and intuitive. Justin is comedic. Wesley is still learning, but I think he is going to be my sit back and check out the world and see who I can fool child.

I don't know if I am doing it right as they are growing now, but I hope that I am. I hope I can do it too and show my children how to do it so that we will have a continuous chain of family love.

The New School Year Of Teachers

Each year around the middle of August we wait impatiently for the mail to arrive. The kids are waiting to see which teacher was given to them for the upcoming school year. They have already decided which teacher they want to have, but will they actually get that teacher? Nope!

This past summer, June 16th, the last day of school came and went. The girls were telling me who they wanted for the next year. I don't even remember the names that were floating through the air, but they were adamant about not wanting certain ones because of the homework load, or because they talk too loud. After a couple days they forget about the teachers they want and start enjoying their time off of school. As soon as July comes to an end they begin talking again about the teachers. "I hope I get...." "I don't want......" It goes on and on every day.

Well, the mail arrives the last week of August, I think they mail them as late as possible so they don't get bombarded by phone calls for classroom changes or something. This year I checked the mail pretty much knowing the envelopes would be in the mailbox and they were there looking right at me. I took them inside and sat down in the living room with my stack of bills and three envelops holding their future in my hands. Amber is about to jump out of her skin, Justin wants to know how many chances he has to misbehave and Kelsey is trying to pretend like she doesn't care, but I know the truth.

I open Amber's envelop, Mrs. Cancel. "Who? Is she new?" I begin my detective work in my brain. Maybe she is the young pretty teacher I saw last year on award day that didn't have on a wedding band, just an engagement ring. Maybe she got married. Amber thinks that over a bit and says, maybe. That wasn't the teacher she wanted, but that would do, for now.

I open Kelsey's envelop, Mrs. Albertson. "Who? I don't know who that is. Can I see last year's yearbook?"

I open Justin's envelop, Mrs. Hampton. Who? We decided that maybe she was a new because there was a 2nd grade teacher that retired last year. This must be her replacement since it is the same classroom as the retired teacher from last year.

Friday is the meet your teacher day. There is an hour during the day that we can go and say hi and see where the classroom is and find their desks, etc. We arrived right at 12:45 and went to Kelsey's room first. She went last the previous year, and they remember this somehow. They can't remember to brush their icky teeth after breakfast EVERYDAY but they remember who saw their teacher last a whole year ago? Whatever.

Kelsey's class is upstairs. We use the steps for exercise and see her bubbly, hip dressed, cool hairdo wearing teacher. She is bright, sunny, smiling and seems very happy to be a teacher. This is great. Kelsey needs someone who talks loud because she is easily distracted. She is very intelligent and needs her attention to be gripped and yanked and hopefully this teacher will not be annoyed by the fact that she eats her pencil erasers and plays with odd things in her desk. I hope, I hope, I hope.

Next we travel back downstairs Amber's class. Mrs. Cancel, is actually Miss Belcher. Mom was right (like always) and she was the one who apparently got married this summer. She is very young, maybe 22 or 23 and very pretty. She dresses like a college student. She should be in diapers, I think she was just born and she will be teaching my daughter about math, science, reading, grammar, and social studies. I actually hit it off very well with her teacher. She is very nice and I think Amber was placed perfectly into her class. Amber is my least difficult with school. She is smart, but doesn't get bored easily and if she is bored, you can't tell, she just smiles a lot.

Justin's class is directly across the hall from Amber's classroom. His teacher is very quiet and actually she just moved down from 5th grade. I let her know that he can be a clown and will randomly fall from his chair for no apparent reason other than to make someone laugh. I told her he means no harm in this he just loves to see people laugh. Even if they aren't laughing at him, he just loves laughter. She says she understands ( I hope she means it). She says she has a 7-year-old son, too.

Last year Justin had a hard time in class. His teacher rarely took the class outside. Children, especially boys, need to have recess. She didn't give them recess nearly enough and I think his esteem was damaged by this woman. He constantly brought home sad notes. He is very sensitive to disappointing his parents. He doesn't like for us to be upset with him. I tried to meet with the teacher, to see what he was actually doing besides "playing and talking in class." I would ask him what happened before the note and he would say nothing happened. She gave the note at the end of the day. What? How is he supposed to know what he did at 10:30 that was wrong when the note wasn't given to him until 2 p.m.? I tried to have her call me. I had no contact at all with this teacher. I told her that I could come anytime to meet her between 7:30 a.m. and 2 p.m. She would ask me to come at 2:30 p.m. Ummm, hello? I have four children and three of them get off the bus at 2:30 p.m. Should I bring them all with me? Now, after speaking with some other parents, figured she knew that he really wasn't doing anything that wrong. He had notes sent home when the little girl he was talking with had no notes sent home. How can that be right?

Tonight was open house for Justin. I met his teacher again. She went over her classroom rules and as I listened to her talk I could tell that he will do just fine in her class. I swear I could have hugged this lady for saying that she knows children aren't perfect. Some days will be days that they need a little guidance. She doesn't expect them to behave all of the time. As his teacher, Mrs. Hampton, was talking tonight I got the feeling from her that she loves teaching these children. She wants them to do well and she will be a great asset to my son and his learning. Tomorrow night I get to see the girl's teachers. I have a feeling this will be a good year. I think they will all enjoy school this year, maybe Justin will even decide he likes to read. Now I just have to figure out how to be classroom mom for both girls.

Thankful

The other night I was flipping through an old photo album to see my pictures from New Orleans back in 2002. I traveled there with the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society's Team In Training to participate in the Mardi Gras marathon. I found my pictures, I noticed how cloudy the day was that I arrived, how nice the Super Dome looked compared to the mess it appears to be now and of course I did check out how chunky I looked in this black sweater that I was wearing. I know that is a petty thought, I mean, did anyone really care that I felt that I looked chunky? Probably not.

I showed Tony my pictures and told him I wondered what the little store looked like now where I bought Justin a little red car, or the shop where I bought Amber and Kelsey their little paper flower head pieces. Those shops are probably a mess too, I guess. Since I don't know that area too well I'm not really sure what was flooded and what was left dry. I did notice on the news the other day that the McDonalds where my mom and grandmother ate lunch during my race had several feet of water in front of it. It seems so unreal to know that I walked on that street that is now covered with water; water full of germs, feces, urine, bodies, just awful things. Things you never imaging seeing.

We finished looking through the pictures of my marathon and the next page had our children, the older ones. They were so LITTLE. Justin had the fattest cheeks. Kelsey's hair was short from her attempt at cutting her own hair. Amber really didn't look that different, she hasn't changed so much in her face, just height. She is still my million dollar smile girl. Those eyes just light up when she smiles.

I found this one picture of her out in the snow. She was playing with the dogs and trying to catch snow flakes on her tongue. It is so precious. I think I could sit and just stare at pictures of her for hours and I actually have enough pictures of her to fill hours.

I guess as I was looking at the pictures I realized that the time goes by so quickly. I mean, really there are 365 days in a year, but how much of that time do you actually spend being thankful for all that you have in your life? I know that several days have passed in my life that I have not thought one time about my blessings. Those aren't days of the recent past, but days of my childhood, teenage years and definitely my early adult life. At this time, I can't really remember a day that I haven't at least one time thought about how thankful I am to have something in my life. Each day it is something different that happens and makes me think about what we have here.

Most times I am thankful for my family. I really could care less about our house, cars, TVs, clothes, etc. They are all nice, but really without my family these things are worth nothing. If we ever had to leave our home for an evacuation or anything else, the only nonbreathing thing I really think I would have to grab on the way out are my pictures. Those are my memories of my family. I cannot even begin to know how many pictures I have in my house, now thankfully mostly digital. I can look at a picture and remember the day I took it. I don't know what it is about my memory, but it is almost like I can hit rewind and remember what we were doing. Kind of like when you hear a song and it takes you back to a different time or place.



Today, I am thankful for my family like always. But it's Tony's birthday and today I am most thankful for his mom, Joyce. She carried him, nurtured him, taught him, raised him and loved him. She is the reason he is here to love me and our children.